Yay for Easter! Brent and I have been making a goal to volunteer in the community once a month. This can be hard...because we tow a one-year-old around with us. We found the best opportunity to solve this problem with setting up for a city egg hunt! It was exciting to go early and set up each area, clean it, and get the eggs out. Isaac had a blast walking around throwing the eggs. It was also nice because I got to talk to the guy in charge of volunteer work in Hayward and he calmed my fears about taking Isaac along for the ride. Worrying is one of my hardest challenges, and I find it keeps me from doing so many things. So, it was nice to hear a "Come anyway, we need you!".
Conference was wonderful, but a little different. It was hard to find a spot for our computer that wasn't accessible by this dude. He also really didn't like us not playing with him. So while I heard several talks, I didn't get to hear all of them. Thank heavens for technology and the opportunity to read them later!
For the past two months I have been having the Sister Missionaries and an investigator over at our house twice a week for lessons. She can't have them at her house for family reasons. She has a two-year-old daughter, and we hit it off right away. She was so ready for the gospel and works so hard to learn all she can. The first time she prayed in our first lesson, my heart melted. She is so earnest in her need for Christ. In our lessons, I'm always asked to bear my testimony about different things. This was so much harder than I had realized, and mostly for a reason that I didn't want to admit to myself. So here, in a round-about way, it is.
During Conference, in Bonnie Oscarson's talk (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/04/do-i-believe?lang=eng), I was struck with the ideas she conveyed through a simple message. "I knew it, but did I believe it?" While working so closely with the sister missionaries, I have undergone my own transformation in the church.
One day, we were teaching about the law of tithing when the investigator asked me about my thoughts on it. Why did I pay tithing? Is it sad that the first thing that popped into my head was "Because I'm supposed to? Because it'll bless me if I do?" I felt like that answer was so lacking. I felt more deeply about tithing than that, so why couldn't I express it? Mostly, because I simply hadn't taken the time to explore my feelings and thoughts on the subject.
My whole life, I have seen the blessings of living the gospel. I see how it leads people through lives of peace and comfort. It made my family close and happy, something I'm realizing only now can be a rarity in this world. I know those who follow Christ's teachings have help in their lives. So I have always been passionate that I will stay strong in the gospel because it was the only way to go in my mind. But, I was in reverse of sister Oscarson's statement, I believed it, but did I know it?
As I have sat in the discussions with the investigator, who is now a close friend, I realized how little I had invested my knowledge of the church. How could this be? I had gone to seminary, I had taken countless religion courses at BYU, I go to church every Sunday, and I believe it. What more was I missing?
My problem was I have always had so much faith that it was true, that I forgot to follow up that faith with personal study and pondering to increase my testimony, which was (no matter how passionate and strong) very basic. I feel very blessed for my steadfast knowledge that the church is true. I'm so grateful that I know I'll never have to question if this is what is right for me to do. But, I'm grateful for the opportunity I've had in sharing the gospel because it has taught me that I need to put more effort into this gospel than just believing.
It's humbling to admit all this, but I'm doing it in case it helps someone else. Some people struggle as I do, they have the faith but forget to do the work to back it up. Some have all the knowledge but just need to have faith. Whatever it is, I know that if we sincerely seek and ask for help, weak things do become strong through the Lord. I saw this in action today.
I have been getting up early to work out everyday. This week, I decided to try something new. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I would work out like normal. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I would instead, have a spiritual workout. Tuesday went great this week! With conference just getting over, there was so much material to go through.
Today, I saw the clock when my alarm went off and died inside. The bed was so comfortable, my eyes too heavy. But I had promised. So I got up, and sat down to study. One minute later, Isaac started crying. If he wakes up early, there is no way he will go back down. I have tried and tried before but if he wakes after 6am, he is up for the day. I was crushed. I had gotten up to study, and now I wouldn't be able to.
Delaying the inevitable, I continued to read. After a few verses, I realized something amazing. Isaac was quiet. I was able to complete my entire study session this morning. And only when I was finished, reading the last verse, did Isaac cry out again. Miracles can be huge. They can heal cripples, they can move mountains, they can create worlds. But sometimes, miracles can quiet a screaming baby to allow a mother who is trying desperately to become better, have a half-hour.
This post was more on the spiritual side, because it has been a big focus on my life lately. But don't worry, next week there will be plenty of pictures of Isaac for you to go ga-ga over. We've been to the beach a lot lately, and that kid in a bathing-suit is just...perfection. I love you all, good luck this week and try to focus on something you're weak in to become just a little stronger.
